TOP 5 WORST VILLAINS SONGS

Well, Halloween will be upon us soon. So, what better way to celebrate it than talking about scary villain songs? No, not scary as in that awesome "Friends on the other side" or "Poor unfortunate souls" way, I mean in that "dear god, what were they thinking?" way! So let's get the Jack o' Lantern rolling...

# 5 - YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL BABY - THUMBELINA



In Don Bluth's sad attempt to be Disney film Thumbelina, our Heroine runs into a Beetle. (played by Gilbert Gottfried) it's been a while since I watched this movie so please bear with me if I get anything wrong. Like everyone else in the movie, the Beetle totally wants to hit that. Thumbelina needs help and the Beetle agrees to give it to her if she sings at his ... "Beetle Ball." Yes, it's really called that. So she agrees and what do we get? A song number sung by Gilbert Gottfried. Who in their right minds thought having Gilbert FUCKING Gottfried SING was a good idea? The song itself isn't horrible, hence why it's only number five but gets on the list solely because they tease us with the possibility of a song by Jodi Benson and instead we get... Gilbert Gottfried. That's right. We're teased with Ariel and end up with Iago! If you don't know, the music was written by Barry Manilow. I want to go back in time to the premier of this just to see poor Mr. Manilow's face when he found out one of his songs got totally BOTCHED by Gilbert Gottfried!
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Why don't you have Marry the Mole up here? That got a Razzie after all!" Well, as lame a song it is, it's still tolerable. After all, Marry the Mole got sung by Carol Channing. A well known and talented Broadway star. But a man you can barely tolerate when he TALKS has no business SINGING!! Don't believe me? Have a listen for yourself.



#4 NO MORE MR. NICE GUY - SWAN PRINCESS



In yet another sad attempt to be Disney, (though not by Don Bluth this time) Swan Princess is pretty much the story of Swan Lake. In it, the villain Lord Rothbart gets an ingenious plan to take over the kingdom


"OF COURSE!"

So what does he do about? Well, they're trying to be Disney so HE SINGS!
Not only is Jack Palance while a good actor (he is freakin' bad ass in City Slickers) he's just not a great singer. But my REAL issues with this is the lyrics and visuals. More the visuals though. See, a good villain song should show why the villain is a threat and must be stopped and it doesn't hurt if the visuals try to look just as threatening as the villain singing it. This little number does NONE of that. First off, the lyrics just seem silly. Here are some of my... favorites.

"Up 'till now, I'll pulled my punches, but I intend to eat their lunches!"
"Good behaviour is so much duller Time to show my one true color"
"Up to no good, I love plottin' (he loves plottin')Yeah, I'm so good when I'm rotten"

Seriously, is it just me, or do these lyrics sound less like they belong to an epic fantasy villain and more like they belong to a Care Bear villain!
Then there's the images accompanying this little diddy. Through out the whole thing the visuals feel less like he wants to actually be evil and more like he wants to just pull pranks on everyone.
I could take screenshots for you but here's the whole scene for your viewing pleasure


Okay, they DO get points for the Jack Palance's push up reference


#3 RUBER'S SONG - QUEST FOR CAMELOT
Most of the songs in this movie in my opinion are actually pretty decent. But the Ruber's song is just... bad. It's so bad, they didn't even bother to actually give it a real title. it's just... Ruber's song.


Look, even Ruber can tell how bad this song is as he sings it!
So, what's wrong with this song? Well, for starters Gary Oldman just can't sing. He tries god bless him, and he starts off okay but when the song really starts, he just can't. Second, the whole thing just feels made up on the spot. Like they didn't even write lyrics until the last minute
Gary Oldman: Uh... there's no lyrics here
voice director: Yeah... we couldn't think of anything just... just sing the plot
and no villain song should use the words "Now this chicken can kill!" Although that DOES sound like a good tag line for KFC's Double Down sandwich



Oh, and this gesture he makes is just... weird

Seriously. He makes that gesture you do when you're commenting on a woman's figure while saying "I have a plan. It includes YOU!" Dude, whatever plan you have, I doubt you can do it in a G rated family film.
It's not a total failure though. The background music is pretty epic and I love the chanting his minions make near the end.
"We are the darkness, we are the Doom. We are the Army of Glory and Gloom!"
OH MY GOD! IT'S THE TEA PARTY!!



#2 THE GRAND DUKE'S SONGS - ROCKADOODLE

Back to Don Bluth. The villain of this movie is The Grand Duke. I like the background music of his first song "We hate the sun." It has a very gothic and old school horror sound to it and fitting for the opposite of Chanticleer and his rock music and heck, I actually don't really mind that he talks through most of "We hate the sun." Some complain that Sure, he rarely attempts to sing in the whole movie but I've never heard Christopher Plummer sing. He might've done us a favor. It works for the mood of the song in my opinion. The problem with this and the rest of the songs are the lyrics. First off, the lyrics just REEK of exposition and the background singers.... just suck. In "We hate the sun" they do nothing but either say pointless things or make stupid "Who" jokes. Yeah, you're owls. Owls say WHO! WE GET IT!!!!
Then there's their next song. Their thing about Batteries. It's pointless, it's stupid, but tries to do that errie gothic sound again which just makes it sillier. That if you truly want to be a bad ass villain, avoid words like "Twiddle dee dee." But on the upside, it WAS short
But the REAL asshat of a song in this movie is "the Owl's picnic." It starts with those lameass background singers making more "Who Who Whos" and proceed their lame singing with more lame lyrics. Lyrics that do NOT compliment the old style horror music.
Oh, and one more lesson in being a bad ass villain, make sure your songs don't use; "Falalalalala"
though I must say, The Duke's "Now's the time to say your prayers... times up!" thing is kinda funny
One other issue I have with this is that The Grand Duke REALLY likes getting his face up in the camera. I've never liked it when characters do this. Ever since I was little it feels like a massive invasion of my personal space and it just bugs me. I suppose you could argue that this is part of the point and it I suppose if you only did it once or twice it could work but the thing is in most of his songs, The Grand Duke is CONSTANTLY doing this.



In his "We hate the sun" sequence alone, he does this three times. You might think the last two are the same scene but trust me, they're not
Now unfortunately the actual clips of these songs were not put up on Youtube. So enjoy the soundtrack





Now then, what could POSSIBLY top those songs in lame ass stupidity? What villain song could be worse than any of those?

#1 WE'RE THE TITANS - HERCULES AND XENA


see this shot? This is as badass as they're ever going to look

this makes that Owl picnic song sound like "Hellfire" from Hunchback of Notre Dame! I don't know what made these people think we needed an animated Hercules and Xena movie (other than the fact that Disney's Hercules had just come out and sorry but there was a profit to be made) but they made it and it has the WORSE villain song ever. I don't know where to begin with this. First off, the animation looks like it came from an BAD Adult Swim series and it repeats CONSTANTLY! I don't know what made them think we constantly want to watch them do this three times in one song;



"But they were wrong, wrong, wrong!"
Finally, these are the WORSE lyrics I have ever heard in a villains song.

"We romped on them; we stomped on them,
We blew them to their knees."
Wait... what?
Were the Titans; were the worst.
Were meaner and were so much more perversed.
WAIT, WHAT?
And my final advice for being a badass villain? Never, I mean NEVER let your villain song have the lyrics Boom, Shaka-laka-laka. it's just... it's just... I have no words to describe how BAD you are at this if you think Boom, Shaka-laka-laka, should be in a villain song! Can't believe how bad this is? Well, see for yourself but remember... you were warned!


Those are my picks for the top five worst villain songs ever. So bad, they're scary. Happy Halloween!!

My inspiration for this countdown was this series of videos. The Top 13 worst songs

Last Action Hero Jack Slater figure

VINTAGE TOY REVIEW

Ah Last Action Hero. Poor Poor Last Action Hero. So misunderstood. Everyone thinks you're a horrible action film when in reality, you're a PARODY of action films. You're not supposed to be a LEGIT action film you're supposed to be a joke! But, we're not here to rant about a movie. No, we're here for a...
VINTAGE TOY REVIEW


Like most movies made in the 90s, Last Action Hero had an toy line to go with it. It wasn't anything special and wasn't a massive success but we got some fun toys out of it and once such toy is "Dynamite Jack Slater."



All the toys came in this same card featuring the movie poster. Pretty standard toy package so nothing really to say here except "OH YEAH! I only paid a BUCK for this!" So let's tear this bad boy out!



Actually, he's from an unpopular toy line based on an unpopular movie and I only paid a buck for him. Doubt he's got much collector's value.



Right out of the package, I have to say that this is a fantastic head sculpt. It's an excellent likeness to Arnold. Especially for early 90s toy making technology. An being an early 90s toy, what do we know about early 90s toys? That's right. They're incredibly gimmicky!



He comes with two barbells, two dynamites, a piece of brick wall and a piece of steel.



When you pull his arm back, it locks in place. You can then place one of these items on his hand.



When you pull down on this lever, Jack's spring loaded arm swings forward and throws the item. Without the item though, you could have Jack go around "bitch slapping" his enemies. And who doesn't want a "Bitch Slapping" Arnold Schwarzenegger?



He's about 5 inches tall which could bring about some interesting crossovers.
All in all, I think he's a fun toy. Especially since I got him for so cheap. I do have one question though



see, he has a hole in his other hand implying that he's supposed to hold something like a gun but he doesn't come with one. Why is this? My theory is that he was meant to come with a gun but they took it out at the last minute for concerned parents who think the world's problems will be solved if they take the guns out of toys.
But screw you soccer moms!



I gave him a gun anyway!!

Overall though, he's gimmicky but fun. I couldn't resist the chance to own a little Arnold toy with "Bitch slapping action." Especially at only a buck!



Now Arnold needs to lament about the failure of his movie.

Runaway by Luis Cardenas

Ah the 80s. Say what you will about our cartoons, and our toys, but you have to admit that we had the best damn music videos ever! They were creative, they were clever, and they were FUN! Because of this, I thought I'd start showcasing some of my favorite music videos from this era starting with this forgotten gem.
Luis Cardenas; famous in the 80s for holding the world record for the largest drum set in the world did a cover of Del Shannon's "Runaway" that was not only in this pirate's opinion the best very of the song, but had one of the most amusing music videos in the 80s. It wasn't exactly complex or meaningful but it had something you don't see in most videos these days. HARD ROCKING DINOSAURS!



The video begins with Luis on the phone. It appears his girl just dumped him. Saddened, he picks up his drum sticks, heads outside and starts singing his song as he goes around allies drumming on walls and trash cans.



Unknown to our drummer, there's something strange about this alley. An it's not the smelly Hobo. In fact, I'd find it weird if the alley DIDN'T have a smelly Hobo.
He comes across a junkyard with his epic drum set. I doubt he knows what his world record drum set is doing in a junkyard but since it's here...



HE STARTS JAMMING ON IT!
As he jams, Dinosaurs start circling around him getting into the music.


Go on, dear. Touch the random glowing guitar. I'm sure nothing bad with happen
A random glowing guitar appears. The Dinosaur's wife pushes him to pick it up (nice woman) and in doing so...



He transforms into... that! But he's not the only one




As the song continues they all start turning into 80s stereotype rockers.



Except for this guy. I'm pretty sure he always looked like that. The T-Rex decides he wants to be on drums and what do you do when the T-Rex wants to play your drums? You get out of the way and LET HIM!
And now we have a T-Rex on drums.



This is officially the best video EVER!



The little jam session goes on until a police officer comes by. And yes, that IS Del Shannon as the officer. It was the last video he appeared in before his death. The dinosaurs vanish just as he arrives leaving Luis alone.



As the officer walks him to his car, Luis' band mates ran up to him (one wonders how they knew he was there) to show him that they got a gig and have to go practice. (Which sort of came out of nowhere. I think this was about a break up. Oh Well.) The cop lets him go and all is well. That is until one of the dinosaurs sneaks up behind his car and sprays "Runaway" on the back.

So there you have it. A fun little video that was a favorite of mine when I was young. If you want to see it yourself, here you go;

Toy Story Collection Jessie

Hey, remember when I said I really wanted the new Toy Story Collection Jessie like, one article ago? Well... guess what I got

Hey, how'd you guess? As you can see, she comes in a fantastic re-creation of the Woody's Round-up box. I love how "in character" this box is. Except for the "Toy Story collection" logo in the corner, this looks exactly like how Jessie's box would look like. Although I find it rather funny how Jessie is described as a "talking doll" while Woody is described as a "talking figure" even though they're made pretty much the exact same way.

The back of the box gives us a great box art (something you don't see in toys very often these days) and gives us a chance to try out Jessie's talking feature.


Out of the box, Jessie looks absolutely fantastic. She comes with a stand for displaying and her hat. The hat is a soft rubber material that fits well on her head. Although at times, the hat has fallen off her when I pick her up.



She also comes with this certificate of authenticity signed by John Lasseter.



This doll's details are perfect. Everything that should be made of cloth or yarn is. Her hair is yarn, most of her body is made of a soft fabric and even her hat has string going around the rim.

The toy has two modes. Demo and play. Demo is the version it comes in when in the box and play offers interactivity. But to activate goes down in my opinion as the most awkward way to activate a toy I have ever seen



That's right. Her on switch is on her butt and you gotta pull down her pants to activate it. Because nothing says "family friendly playtime" like pulling down a woman's pants. But once you do, Jessie will greet you and from there, will respond to your voice with various phrases. The box says she has 33 phrases and while I've had her for almost a week now, I STILL haven't heard all of her phrases. Some of my personal favorites are;
"You haven't seen WooDEEE or Bullseye, have ya?"
"IT'S YOU IT'S YOU IT'S REALLY YOU!"
if you speak too loudly she'll say;
"Is it me, or did someone turn up the volume?"
and if you say nothing she'll say;
"Yoo Hoo! Anybody here?"
If you STILL say nothing she'll say;
"Hellooo!!"
She'll challenge you to a laughing contest (I still haven't beaten her) ask you what kind of things you like, and sometimes sings Home on the Range. After playing with her for a while, she'll yawn and say she's tired and is "gonna get a little shut eye"

Needless to say, this is a wonderful toy. The best Jessie ever made. And at 49.99 she damn well better be!
Well... if you want me to nitpick... her ponytail is technically too short and too thick, the buttons on her shirt aren't aligned properly, the flaps on her collar are in funny positions and though the eyes on mine are alright, there were quite a few at the store with a little sloppy paintjobs. But the little things they got right by far outweigh the little things they got wrong. She's by far the best Jessie toy ever made. Although if you saw my last article, you'd know that's not very har...



OH MY GOD! SOMEBODY KILL IT!! AUUGH!!



Phew, okay now. I got mine at Toys R Us though I hear they're also being sold at the Disney store. I wouldn't know since the only Disney store in my area was in a mall that was recently flooded and will be closed until August. The Toy Story collection Jessie is expensive at 49.99 but she's well worth it if you're a big fan of the character or of the series in general.


"I thought I'd get one last look at the sun... before I get packed away again."
Don't worry Jessie. You'll never get packed away as long as I own you :D

worst Jessie toys ever

I saw Toy Story 3 a couple of nights ago. It was EPIC. I can't recommend it enough. In fact, it's put me in a bit of a Toy Story buzz. My absolute favorite character is Jessie the Yodeling cowgirl.

DON'TCHA WISH YOUR BARBIE WAS HOT LIKE ME?
Unless you've been under a rock for the past 10 years, you should know who Jessie is. She's tough, takes no crap from anyone, but sweet, caring, and always willing to do the right thing. And for a toy, she's really really pretty.
.
.
.
You didn't read that >>


This is their newest Jessie toy. She comes in the exact same scale as she does in the movie, she talks, she's interactive, and she has the cutest face from any Jessie toy ever. And I sadly do not own it T_T But I have one question.
WHY did it take so long for them to make a Jessie toy this good? I don't even care about the interactive technology (though it's nice and I welcome it) my beef is no other Jessie toy LOOKS this good. Don't believe me? Well, let's take a look at some of the Jessie toys that have come out over the years
Now, keep in mind I don't OWN any of these so I can't give them a full review.

We'll start with something simple. This is actually I believe the second best Jessie doll on the market. Though her face looks like she's a little... TOO happy. The hat is kinda tiny too and I hear it doesn't stay on very well.

We'll start small with these. They're not god awful, but they're not great either. the top one looks like she wants to molest you (and the hat seems a bit too big) and the bottom one looks like she's completely stoned.

Now this one while not ugly, is just funny looking. She looks caught in mid-smile.



Dear... god! This goes down as the UGLIEST Jessie doll I've seen. She looks like a monkey! But at least they remembered to make her hair yarn



Here's an action figure. I believe this came out rather recently. She's supposed to be dancing but her stand makes her look like she's inappropriately massaging a horse. She's got kind of a scary face too. In fact, a lot of these Jessie toys do. Whether they were trying to recreate her face as she appears in toy mode in the movies, or they're trying to make a sculpt that speaks to her tough girl personality, they just came out as scary. But even these are no wear near as scary, as frightening, as nightmare fueling as he following doll I'm about to show you


SWEET JESUS! What the Hell were they thinking here? SERIOUSLY! Who in their right minds approved of this design? I feel bad for any child that got THIS for Christmas. She looks like she wants to rape you, or strangle you in your sleep.
I had read in an article that when they introduced Jessie in Toy Story 2, toy companies were weary because anyone who follows toys know, many toy companies have borderline sexist mentalities on female characters in what is perceived as a "boys" toy line. However, John Lasseter insisted on her being in the movie and toy line to encourage the original intention of Toy Story not being specifically for boys, but for both genders. So looking at these toys has me wondering if the company was intended on making these things bad so no one would want them and in turn encourage their sexist mentality on toys. Well, the joke's on them because toy sales have shown that Jessie's popularity and sales rival Woody's. Though I'm pretty sure Buzz still beats them both.



I WANT THIS TOOOOY!!! T_T